Retirement Home

One evening a family brings their 82-year old mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well looked after. The next morning, the nurses wash her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and sit her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up.
Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to lean to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.
"So mum, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" They ask. "It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart.

A Classic Pick-up Line

A rather confident young man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive young woman.
He looks at her quickly, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was testing it."
Intrigued, the woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says that you're not wearing any panties..."
The woman giggles & replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!"
The man exclaims, "Damn - this thing must be an hour fast!"